I’d like one ‘Marriage on the Rocks’, Please! Shaken not stirred.

I would like to take you on a scientific journey, very much reminiscent of those dreaded science fair projects many junior and senior high school students, and their parents are subjected to annually. Leave it to the resident perfectionist to evaluate what many people have called "a ridiculously unnecessary experiment". After being married only one month, I packed my bags to move to Japan to pursue a teaching career with the JET Programme. Many people thought I was crazy for taking the job, and equally, they thought my husband, David, was even crazier for supporting my decision. To quote countless people, "Who the hell gets married and then skips town weeks later…to live on the other side of the planet?!"

Abstract: "A ‘Marriage on the Rocks’, Please!"

It was a dream come true for the Female Subject, as she discovered that she cleared the second round of the application process for a teaching abroad program that she had be interested in for over five years, The Japan Exchange Teaching (JET) Programme. The JET Programme had been a goal of the Female Subject in the years preceeding the introduction of the Male Subject at a World Wrestling Federation (now Entertainment) WrestleMania 16 Costume Party on Sunday, March 27, 2000(1).

After long hours of debate in regard to all the possible outcomes for their relationship, taking into extra consideration the ramifications of the Female Subject’s selection into the program, the Male Subject informed her that he "would not be a man worth marrying if he kept her from her dreams." It was only after several similar declarations, that the Female Subject proceded with the subsuquent levels of advancement in pursuit of this dream of hers. The goal of this experiment was to fulfill one of many dreams of the Female Subject without jeopardizing or terminating her relationship with the Male Subject.

This experimentation will document the extremely difficult process and the effects, both positive and negative, a long distance relationship can have.

Hypothesis: "We’ve lived together this long…"

Having spent three years together prior to their wedding, two of which were spent living together under the same roof, both the Female and the Male subjects, felt that this task, though difficult, would prove easier to them than other couples. Having thusly eliminated all the awkward first moments of living together from sharing a budget or seeing underwear lying about the house, both subjects were confident that a temporary separation, if anything, would make their marriage stronger. Factors such as being fully aware of the other person’s annoying habits(2), and having spent so much time living together, it is the examiner’s opinion that outside of the legal binding between the couple, not many things would change. Also, being married prior to departure, would alleviate the stress of relationship termination due to separation and remove the prospect of infidelity or other questionable social interface for both subjects. It is the examiner’s belief that with a detailed plan of action between the two subjects, being globally separated would be, for lack of a better term, "a piece of cake".

Testing Procedure: A Highly Methodical Approach

After countless hours of discussion and situational evaluation, the testing subjects agreed to the following outline for the experiment, taking into consideration the historial circumstances and obstacles in their relationship in addition to making plans for intereaction with one another:

1. Begin dating for almost a year, and within that initial year, make a preliminary international spatial separation test(3).

2. Live together for two years prior to marriage.

3. Be engaged for one year prior to the wedding.

4. Outline in detail communication protocols and arrange for other forms of social interaction between the couple.

5. Be married for one month prior to spousal departure(4).

There are three critical factors that have the potential to have great impact on the success or failure of the experiement:

1. Have husband move in with not one, but three single men while the wife lives in a shoebox of an apartment on the other side of the world.

2. Limit visual contact outside of pictures, e-mails, postal letters, and the occasionally short phone calls

3. Financial constraints which have the potential to keep the couple separated for extremely long periods without physical contact.

With limited resources among their friends, it was difficult to find a comparable control group to compare the situation of the experimental couple against. Evaluating the limited resources, the Examiner found three comparable scenarios:

The Married Couple Living Apart: After evaulating the living situation between a senior pair of the Examiner’s friends, thus gaining the perspective of both individuals while one studied in Russia while the other remained in Gainesville, Florida. Emotional Strain Level: Extremely High. Worth the Risk: from what the Examiner gathered from each party, Yes, but not likely to happen again, unless the couple relocates together as a single unit.

The Dating Couple: This was between a couple that met in Japan, but was separated due to the conclusion of one member’s three-year contract. Though from the same foreign country, they were at opposite ends of it. Though a difficult choice for the individual remaining in Japan to advance herself on the same program as the Examiner, it was the other individual who actively sought opporunties to bring them back together. Difficulty rating: high, but not impossible. Key to success: never giving up and believing that if they are meant to be together, they will be together.

The Engaged/"Promised" Couple: This was a recent discovery from a coworker in the Examiner’s office. Having been given permission to marry his girlfriend from her parents’ conditionally upon completion of his teacher’s certification, this individual worked and waited four years until he was able to complete the necessary guidelines to become a teacher. Now having succeeded in fulfilling is verbal constact with the girlfriend’s parents, the girlfriend is now teaching Japanese in Australia, thus leaving him behind in Japan. He now pours himself into his work as a teacher and volleyball instruction to pass the time until she returns(5).

Observations: No Trial Without Tribulation

Short of the examiner’s stepping onto the plane(6), the wonderfully, detailed and triple, blue-printed plan was thrown to the wind. In a series of events, the couple’s patience, resilience, and commitment to one another was tested at great deal. It would be completely in accurate to state that there have not been difficulties during this trial period, if anything, there were times, where both parties felt as if they were constantly being tried and pushed to the limits. The greatest obstancles:

Difference of Geographic Location: The varying thirteen to fourteen hour time zone difference made extended conversation and contact extremely difficult(7).

Technological Reliance: Though it is the cheapest and least complicated of the communication methods, the computer can be the best and the worst machine for communication. Without having video or audio capbilties, communicating via computer can be quite the harrowing and frustrating experience. Without being able to observe facial expressions, body language, or voice intonation, many things can be misunderstood or sound extremely unfeeling. Even dressing emails up with pretty colors and fonts don’t convey the meaning as a cheerful hello or a playful wink. Also, those with the inability to type at a rapid rate or the prone abiltiy to make typographic errors(8).

Financial Constraints: In this respect, money can be the root of all evil. Both subjects were required to evaluate their financial situations, and determine what things they would need to sacrifice in order to work together to make their sitation bearable. The high cost of airfair, telephone calls, and collective monthly bills tightened the financial clasp for the couple. Also criticizing what the other makes or how it was being spent, did not help the situation either.

Parallel Situations Not Parallel Lives: This was a difficult concept to the couple to grasp without the induced panic that could possible resemble a "separated living arragement"(9). The hardest thing was trying to make plans without having certain outstanding obstables, taken care of. Also, trying to discuss important, life-altering decisions without being able to fully comprehend or understand the magnitude of the situation proved extremely difficult.

Getting Carried Away With Life: Both subjects in light of their separation from the other became engrossed in their situations, plowing through the weeks via work or other activities, thus limiting the already limited margains for communciation with one another. Overlooking simple things like sending a short card or e-mail, gave the impression of avoidance or allusion to greater problems.

A Packrat is as a Packrat Does: The Female Subject and her inability to accurately deal with her emotions, employed the "Packrat Method"(10). This method takes anything and everything possible and shoves it into a closet until the sight of it becomes so unbearable that the doors are ripped clean from the hinge, things are thrown everywhere, thus forcing her to frantically find a way to deal with the now overwhelming situation. Had she listened to her mother, and dealt with each thing has it came along instread of shoving it away, she would have avoided causing her and the Male Subject undue stress(11).

Conclusion: A Commitment to Understanding

Eight months in a foreign country on the other side of the world, has give the examiner a great deal of time to research and evaluate this experiment. Naturally, not everything can be predicted like all experiments, so the Examiner and both test subjects learned a great deal from one another.

The most critical of which is constant communication, but not in the continual, "Hi, how are you? I am fine, and you?" pattern. There needs to be a constant discussion of matters, regardless of how trivial or ridiculous they may seem. The strength of a relationship stems from the roots planted. If an individual feels that they must censor themselves to their partner, trust issues need to be re-evaluated. It’s only natural for people to experience the cyclic pattern of emotions. Without it, the relationship lacks feeling, definition, and eventually becomes absense of substance. It the laundry concept, if you keep neglecting it, it just keeps piling up until one is out of clothes, wearing their pajamas, and doing what feels like hours of washing.

Listening to hours of depressing music is a bad thing(12), just as bad as subjecting someone incredibly depressed to their worst vices such as alcohol, video games, pornography, desserts, writing, dramas, and so on(13). Though one might think that it helps to purge those captive inner emotions, if repeated enough, it quickly become an emotional trigger, one that is easier to make and incredibly difficult to break. It forces the individual to create a security attatchment or a contact comfort possession, which if not carefully monitored, can be come extremely additive. Finding healthy stress breakers or positive stressors are they key to success, preferably, if it includes being around other people such as sports or just talking. You can be at an extremely high point in your life, but if your trigger is hit, then your emotions can plunge like the Titanic.

Though technology has become an necessity in the success of this couple’s marriage, it should not be solely relied upon for confirmation of the other’s feelings. Though it is natural to spend time communicating via appliances(14), having faith in ones heart that the other person is with them despite the distance is essential. Marriage is a commitment, and like the Jedi Order, it is one not to be taken lightly. There are many consequences for every action made, and if individuals are to be successful, they must honor and respect the code, or their vows, seriously. Also, trusting the feelings deep in one’s heart, and believing that even though they are incredibly far away, all one would have to do is close their eyes and know they are right there beside them.

This experiment is not for everyone. Many people have told the Examiner, that out of everyone they knew the only people who could handle this type of trial were, in fact, the subjects selected for it. It is the Examiner’s revised hypothesis that being globally separated is not "a piece of cake", it’s actually quite far from it, but working together, despite the geographical disparity, the couple can slice the cake with greater ease.

Acknowledgments: A Tribute to Those Who Helped

In the course of this experiment, there have been many people who have contributed to the initiation and execution of this project. It is the examiner’s privilege to thank the following individuals or groups for their continued support (in alphabetical order):

Davis, Alison M.: Her two week vacation was a well-needed rejuvenator for the Examiner. Also, she served on the psychological and philosophical counseling committees for this project.

del Castillo, Kim M.: Her similar, but temporary geographical situation served as a control group for this experiment. Hours of commiserating and girl talking was shared since she and the Examiner were both of Japanese Standard Time.

Haskell, Allyson & Rusty Haskell: The wonderful folks in Gainesville, Florida who aided in the technological counseling department as well as late night counselors to both the Female Subject and Examiner.

Japan Exchange Teaching (JET) Programme, The: The organization responsible for sponsoring this experimentation. They offered the Examiner her ticket to Tottori, Japan on March 1, 2003.

"Kurayoshi 900": This consisted of three Assistant Language Teachers from the Kurayoshi Area of Tottori Prefecture: Rebecca Holloway, Caroline Manners, and Sara Bryce. These ladies all hail from the United Kingdom, and have been subjected to countless hours of shopping, snacking, and drinking with the Examiner.

McKay, David Aaron: The Male Subject, and more importantly, the Examiner’s husband. Without his constant support, attaining this dream of participating in the JET Programme would not have been possible.

NHK Telecom: for providing the Examiner’s tiny apartment with basic cable including Japanese dramas, variety television programming, and game shows for countless hours of mindless, yet therapeutic entertainment.

Peterson, Lise: In quite possibly the most difficult role of the mother and mother-in-law, she has been quite possibly the most exhausted resource in this project from emotional, parental, conciliatory and financial duties.

Shorey, Christine & Tobin Shorey: hearing both sides of their mid-marriage temporary separation situation, helped to give the Examiner the strength she needed to actively pursue the experiment.

Tottori Prefectural Board of Education: Official contacting organization for the Examiner, and the local lifeline for the Female Subject. Her prefectural adviser, Akiyama Mayumi-san, was a critical asset from this organization.

Tottori Prefecture’s Yazu Senior High School: The occupational day job of the female subject while in Tottori, Japan. The teaching staff have served as invaluable friends and additional comic relief in the life of the Female Subject as she conducted the experiment.

Footnotes

1. For those laughing, you may stop now. The Female Subject was a stunning "Jeff Hardy" as was the Male Subject a convincing "X-Pac" (complete with long curly hair that was shaved off the next day).
2. The Male Subject has to sleep with the ceiling fan on and the television on. While the Female Subject hogs the blankets and has this natural gravitation to the center of the bed, where she sprawls out.
3. The preliminary testing was done for six weeks with the Male Subject in Gainesville, Florida, while the Female Subject went to study Italian language and literature in Rome, Italy (May-June 2001).
4. For this experiment, the examiner chose Japan.
5. Her contract, like the Examiner’s, is renewable, so she is in Australia for a year…maybe longer.
6. August 2, 2003 at Miami International Airport, which was, by the way suffering from computer generator failure so the stressed out counter staff had to hand ticket all the flights which lead to a "Home Alone" Scramble through the airport.
7. Especially since Japan does not have "Daylight Savings Time".
8. In this dynamic the Male Subject is the former while the Female Subject is the latter.
9. Or "Divorce" for the more forward and less chicken reader.
10. For those who have seen any dorm room or apartment that she has lived in and the sheer volume of personal possessions she has, will be fully aware of this concept.
11. Especially at certain times of the month.
12. The largest culprits in this department include: RadioHead, Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, and unhealthy amounts of Celine Dion.
13. If you have taugh a writing class in a Japanese school, this end clause probably looks extemely familiar. "…and so on" is the catch all laundry listing signifier when translated from Japanese to English.
14. For those now laughing again, please remove thy minds from yonder gutter!